Then there are the crystals.
Clear quartz is the everything quartz, she tells me about that one.
It amplifies, it clears.
Ryan Pfluger for Rolling Stone
I have an enormous collection.
Theyve been a big part of my healing.
Crystals get forged in, sort of, difficult …
Under pressure, right?
she says, excited.
Im sending you home with a crystal.
Lewinsky is 51, but this is the first place shes owned, the first thats really hers.
For years, getting a job was challenging and complicated.
The media attention that followed was a tidal wave of mocking coverage and cruel late-night jokes.
But that felt uncomfortable too, so around 2005, she went publicly silent.
In her forties, though, she waded slowly, hesitantly back into public waters.
Finally, people were ready to really hear her side.
She was becoming a symbol of resilience.
Today, Lewinsky is using her voice in a different way.
Im excited but terrified about doing a podcast.
This is big for me.
The podcast is me reclaiming, as much as the stories of people Im talking to.
You avoided speaking publicly for a decade.
But I always kept trying.
The first few years after 98 there was nothing to do but be a public person.
I stretched that out in different ways, and ultimately it didnt feel satisfying to me.
And so I moved to England and went to graduate school there.
And it didnt work.
How did it not work?I couldnt get a job.
There was still so much stigma around me and my history.
And it was 2008, so we had this recession at the time.
But then also, Hillary [Clinton] was running.
So I was looking for a job in everything from branding and marketing to market research to charities.
I dont even know how Id go about doing that.
Where did you go from there?I desperately wanted to become a private person again.
It was a real wake-up call for me.
This is happening to younger people.
This is happening to people who arent public.
And maybe even though Im not thriving, Im still here.
I somehow managed to survive, so its possible.
That was one aspect.
And the other was really practical I have to be able to support myself at some point.
I think … Im there now.
I am excited but terrified about doing a podcast.
This is a big thing for me.
And Im like, Mine will beReclaiming.Each chapter could be different aspects of myself Ive reclaimed.
I think down the line, therell be things that I reclaim on the podcast and process personally.
So, thats the idea there.
What are you terrified of?Failure.
My main therapist is a trauma psychiatrist.
I think Im afraid of losing everything again.
Im afraid of Oh, I cant support myself.
I am now 51.
And thats really proper grown-up.
How are you picking your guests?People whose stories interest me.
There might be grief, resilience, and ultimately, you triumph.
For example, Im hoping to talk toSam Altmanat some point.
I wouldve loved to have talked toTracy Chapmanright after she came off the Grammy stage [last year].
What interests me is the messiness of how we go from here to there.
What were all the concentric circles of context and life experience that happened before it?
Theyll see me as a person.
And that didnt happen.
I would not recommend working on a memoir of your most traumatic period before its even over.
What was important about what happened in 2014 with my firstVanity Fairessay was the world had also changed.
That conversation shifted things.
There was a change.
And I was like, Holy fuck.
That meant something to me.
Its shocking to look back at how you were portrayed in the press.
I mean, I have PTSD from a lot of things that happened in 98.
And one strand of that is definitely what my experience with the media was.
I have probably made an effort to steer clear of people who were writing a lot in that time.
Maybe I will sit down with one of them on the podcast.
Amanda is an executive producer on the show.
Its just very hard, especially when your storys connected to trauma.
Are there other subjects like that who you want to work with?
I read that you went to high school with the Menendez brothers …I knew them.
I auditioned for the band right after Erik.
Will you do a dramatized version of your story again?
A movie?What Ive learned at this point is, this story has a life of its own.
And so if something felt meaningful, if it moves the conversation forward, Im open to exploring that.
So, you dont imagine a place where youre like, Never again?I wanted that.
Thats part of the personal work Ive had to do.
I mean, it could happen, and thats fine, too.
Every positive thing that comes erases something negative from the past.
Youve also continued to do anti-bullying advocacy.
What impact have you seen?I love doing the campaigns for Bullying Prevention Month.
Its been really meaningful to me.
Is it making enough of a difference?
Look at the fucking world were living in now and choices weve made as a society in this country.
And so I feel a little adrift there.
But were having these conversations more.
Cyberbullying was not a word in 1990, fat-shaming was not a word in 1998.
Thats not by any means to say I started that conversation.
I think that Im a part of it.
There are a lot of people who Im connected to in organizations that do extraordinary, impactful work.
You know, so its always still there.
Had there not been video, no one would have believed her.
There are so many other people whose stories fall into this category that deserve attention.
And I think with mine, it is textbook abuse of power.
Its interesting because it feels as I get older I look at it differently.
The idea of being in a relationship with a 24-year-old is insane to me, on so many levels.
Wrapped up with all of that was always going to be how the world saw me and defined it.
Because thats always been my fear of … unintentionally, even.
Because I was like, OK, well, this wasnt sexual assault.
I wanted to be there.
Did I understand what that actually was entailing at the time?
Thats so surprising.Oh, I couldnt get a literary agent.
I had really big legal bills and I hadnt been working for a year.
Its not the way I want the world to work.
What was it like for you to hear that news?It was shocking, in both instances.
Sure, I have moments where I definitely get triggered or angry or feel sad.
I turned it into Survivors Day in my family.
What does that entail?We celebrate.
Thats when I connect to my past the most.
That was the worst day of my life thus far.
Its connecting to that, but in a way that brings it back to myself.
Youre very funny on social media.Thank you.
Im curious, was your entry into that nerve-racking?Oh, my God, terrifying.
You should let people see this funny side of you.
Women, in particular, are the subject of so much verbal abuse on social media.
Are you the recipient of that, as well?Yeah.
Its pretty fascinating how quite a lot of people do not have new jokes in 27 years.
I think one of the things we really tried to demonstrate in15 Minutes of Shameis what that feels like.
Do you think 1998 wouldve been better or worse for you with social media?I think both.
I think it wouldve been worse in terms of the proliferation of cruel things and jokes.
I think there mightve been a more silent supportive chunk of people.
They wouldve seen an Instagram page.Exactly.
I think that humanizes you a little more.
Its fascinating how people do not have new jokes in 27 years.
What is your life like today?Every day is different.
Im a multi-hyphenate in terms of all the different things I do.
I have to say, I was terrified about going into my 49th year because 39 was so horrible.
I felt hanging over me all of the things I hadnt done.
All of my failures.
Im not married, I dont have kids, I dont have a job.
Turning 40 was awful.
Theres so much freedom in being comfortable in who you are as a woman.
I was like, I dont know, walk at the beach.
I was like, Walk at the beach.
In years past, I wouldve tried to come up with something quickly.
Or pretend I like music that I have no idea about, or an artist Ive never heard of.
All those ways you take a stab at keep up.
A lot of that is gone, and thats really refreshing.
What is dating like for you?Im not on the apps.
I am like, I cant.
Im going to be catfished.
I am so gullible.
I think its a level of trust that is just not quite there yet.
I date, I have relationships, situationships, all the things.
Ive had connections with some extraordinary men.
Ive been really lucky.
Not lucky enough that its been with someone where its worked out at the right time.
I still have lots of issues.
I think people see my story differently.
Every positive thing that comes in erases something negative from the past.
Could you imagine this life for yourself in 1999?No.
I think not only 1999, but I also think 2009.
I couldnt see for a long time how much Id lost, how poorly people thought of me.
So, it was different in that way.
How does it feel to be at this point where people finally see your story differently?Its crazy.
I have a very supportive family.
And I think at different points weve all had moments of, like, Oh, my God.
Im a really hard worker.
And so, Ive always been lucky.
I wouldnt have imagined it, so Im very grateful.
I need to come up with a synonym for grateful.
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
